Fake Pasta-Wise, I Have Failed as a Mother

Bentley, sweetpea: I’m sorry, but all the linguine is gone. I tried to get “Linguine Life” to help complete your Pasta Master™ collection. But all but one of the few remaining Pasta Master™ play sets in the Tri-State area were clearly marked “Fettuccine Fun”, which – thanks to Brenda and little Xerxes from our Tots & Tunes play group – we already have twice. Of course I checked Amazon first (do you take your mother for a dunce, Bentley? Do you?). But would you believe that even the greasy third party sellers – the equivalent of shilling to kids in an alley from inside a trenchcoat – have no stock left? Zilch. It’s the Great Cabbage Patch Kids Famine all over again. You see, when I was your age, Cabbage Patch Kids were – never mind, Bentley. It’s not material to our present sorrow. 

Even the common-as-moths fettuccine sets are almost cleaned out everywhere, now. If she’d really tried, Brenda could have avoided this whole fiasco for us. She could have. But now we’re stuck with this mess. Yes, I made sure to check eBay too. The good news is that if you have thirty-six thousand krona, or the equivalent in freshly minted cryptocurrency, there is a big fake linguine auction happening right now in Sweden. But I wouldn’t hold your breath, Bentley dearest – everyone knows that the price gets driven up in the last three minutes by overeager bidders. It must be horrible to be that desperate. 

Darling, I know – I’m sorry, I am. I called every toy and trinket store listed on Yelp. But then? THEN I tried Pete’s. You know, that puny place squished behind Build-’er-Burger in the Southwark Strip Mall? The one that smells like tomato soup? Big no on the linguine there, too. In fact, Pete got cleaned out of almost every Pasta Master™ product last week. All except the fettuccine – and one unit of the “Spaghetti Party” bonus pack!

Yes, Bentley, I understand that the noodles are shaped differently between sets. I do. And that you already have the full set of “Spaghetti Splendour”, rendering extra spaghetti useless. And I understand that you will be laughed at by all of Gleason Prep Kindergarten for not having linguine. Even Amaranth Bezanson, who should wipe the grin off her smug little face because we know for a fact that she was very late to potty train and still often wets the bed at night. But knowing all that doesn’t change your lack of play noodles, does it? Not being able to provide for you in this way is my deepest shame as your mother; Brenda is getting some serious side-eye at this year’s Tots & Tunes Spring Jamboree. If only she had been less careless, my son – but this is where we are. 

So will you take the “Spaghetti Party” bonus pack in place of the linguine, Bentley?  Just this once? For me?